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you can't get rid of me! [23 Dec 2009|01:25am]
[ mood | amused ]

oh my god. seriously. it's been FOREVER since i've updated this thing. and to only think that i updated this thing religiously for a good 4 or 5 years is CRAZY!

so hmm.. i guess i'll get to talkin!

well, i'm 21 now. finally. i've only been to the bar a whole 3 times since i've turned 21. it's like i'm over drinking. weird.. i know. so not like me.. i know.

lets rewind a little bit though.

i lived in clearwater, florida for 5 months when i was 19. got very heavily into drugs and got my boobs done. hit rock bottom and moved back here in april 2008 and checked myself into rehab. it's been an everyday struggle to get clean since then, but i finnally feel like i'm winning the battle, and it feels SO great. just to know that i depended on oxycotton, heroin, cocaine, etc everyday for a good 2 years makes me sick to my stomache.. but oh well. you live and you learn.

i have the best boyfriend in the fucking world. his name is jeffrey and we've been together since december of 2007. we just actually celebrated our 2 years. he seriously saved my life and he's my best friend, i seriously couldn't do this thing called life without him. i really do think i've found my soulmate. as corny as that sounds..

i guess after this post i'm gonna start updating regularly and tell you what's going on. i'm not going to refer to the past much because i'm just trying to look forward. the last 2 years have been a train wreck and rather boring, but also a learning experience. i really do believe that my life can only get better from here. i really don't see how it can get any worse.. lol.

i've been working my ass off the last 5 or so months. i'm waiting to start back at my old job after the new year. i'm currently living with my brothers at their apartment. i just recently had my own house but hated my fucking roomates so i decided to move out and save up some money so jeffrey and i can get our own apartment again. we did have our own apartment a year ago but our roomie fucked us over and the landlord kicked us out.. it was a complete mess and wasn't our fault what so ever. but oh well, you live and you learn.

i guess that's all i wanted to talk about for now. i really should get to bed. everyone is sleeping and i really should get some sleep because i have a lot to do tomorrow!

can't wait to get back to updating this thing and getting back to my old self! it sucks that no one updates anymore, but oh well!

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[15 Jul 2004|08:09pm]
this summers been interesting so far. dan and i are doing well believe it or not.

you suck and this town is getting gay. still haven't gotten to the beach yet which sucks balls, but i'm poor so what can ya do.

school starts september 7th. i can't believe i'm even mentioning it since its so far away, but oh well.

i turn 16 september 3.. can't wait for that.

well i'll try and update again this month. hah. <3
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[09 Dec 2003|11:33pm]
blahhhhh.. everythings gay.

I'm on the phone with Dan right now and he keeps on telling me random stories. All I want to do is sleep.

I'll write tomorrow.
5 comments|post comment

fuck this shit [20 Nov 2003|08:23am]
After school yesterday I went to Tee's house and we just cleaned up and stuff. Dan called there looking for me, and we talked for a couple, but I just told him to call me in an hour when I went home. I went home around 4, and chilled, then went to my dads to go online, because the fucking stupid comcast people gave us the wrong cable modem, its nothing like our last one, and the guys not bringing a new one untill sometime Friday. Fuckers. But anyway, Around 7 Dan called and asked me to go meet him at CN cause him and Mike Mallara [sp?] were up there chillen. But I told him no because it was raining out and I looked like a wreck. I should of went though because Laurlie my babi girl was working! But oh well. At 8 I went to Tee's house, and we both took showers and I ironed her hair and around 10:15 we went to bed.

Woke up this morning got ready for another oh so lovely day at Strath Haven High School. I hate this place with a passion. Thank god tomorrows Friday.

Weekend Plans: Friday me and Colie B are doin something, either going to the mall or just chillen at my house. Saturday around 5, after Cole gets back from dance, we're going up to Tee's dads house in Philly and staying there untill Sunday. Hopefully Sunday night I'll be able to hang out with Dan. =]

I gotta go to anger management in five minutes so I should go. I'll write later..
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..healing.. [25 Sep 2003|11:19am]
[ mood | determined ]

I haven't talked to Dan since.. yeah.. I found out. I tried calling him the nihgt after, but got his voicemail. Ignoring me much? Whata baby. Yesterday I woke up around 9 and layed around, and at 11 I decided to go to school because everything reminds me of him here.. my bed, my couch in my living room, even my god damn computer chair. I went to school in my pajamas, no make up, with my greesy hair thrown up in a bun. I tried my best not to cry, but after telling everyone the story 7389 times, I just broke down. I went over Stina's around 4 bceause I just had to get out of here. Me, Chad, and Jenna walked down to Shavette's to see her. Went back to Christina's and Nicole, Bobby, two random guys, me, Shavette, Jenna, and Chad were all there. They all left around 5, and me, Nicole, and Stina walked to Colie B's house, sat outside her house and talked to her for a little, went back to Christina's and we were suppose to go to the mall with Lionel to look for homecoming dresses, but Lionel wasn't aloud out, so there went our ride. Colie B came over shortly after, and we were calling everyone looking for a ride, but either no one were answering there cells, or they were too lazy to get us and drive us out there. At 8, me and Stina went to my house and got my shit together, and went back to Stina's. I took a shower and junk, and we ate. Around 10:15, we layed down and watched tv. I was trying my best to sleep, but Sti was on the phone with Mike Ri forever! Finally got to bed, and I woke up at 3:34 and couldn't get back to bed because my kidney was bothering me so bad. 6 o'clock rolled around, and it still hurt, so I said fuck going to school. Once Sti was all ready I walked her to the bus, then came home and passed out. Now I need a cigarette.

I'm healing guys. I mean I still want him back more than anything, but I guess theres no use in fighting for him and getting more hurt, since he obviously wants to be with her. I have to call him tonight though. I have two of his hoodies and I'm about to fucking burn them. I'm gonna ask him when he wants them back and if he says just keep them, I'm gonna light them on fire on his front door step. I hope one day he'll see all the pain that I'm going through right now. =\

I gotta go to school tomorrow. I only went once for 2 hours yesterday. Ehh I'm gonna be so behind, but whatever.. fuck it all. This weekend better be fun, Friday I think I may be doing something with Tori or if I'm not doing something with her, I'll prolly do something with Chad and Jenna. And I'm pretty sure Saturday something with Stina and gettin DRUNK!

..I need a new guy.

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Random Post.. [08 Sep 2003|07:51am]
[ mood | crappy ]

Well, me, my mom, and my brother all aren't going to work/school today. My brother and I are both severly hung over, and my mom never goes to work. The funniest thing just happend. We were all just sitting in the living room watching the news. It was dead quite, and then my next door neighbors dog started barking and my mom says in a soft voice "Mike, Ms. Julie [our neighbor] knows her dogs gonna die soon, so why don't you just poison it." rofl. I nearly pissed myself when I heard my mom say that! I guess you just had to be there to laugh.

Alright, back to bed for me. Headache + I feel like I'm going to puke. No more drinking on school nights for me.

When I wake up I'm gonna actually post about something that matters. So expect that.

<3 Candy

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[07 Sep 2003|10:14pm]
i'm dfucking drunk on a damn school nigthj. fuck school fuck the people in it, fuick te teachers and all the sluts. fuck the, all./

i dont know what the point of this post was. but yweah.nothing tastes better then a marlboro menthol mild and thats what i'm smoking right now. good sutuf.

i'm waking amd baking tomorrow before school. i'm gonna gfo too drunk to type/
1 comment|post comment

[22 Aug 2003|02:32am]
I'm soo happy <33333333
1 comment|post comment

Random shit [21 Aug 2003|07:54pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

I need to go to Southstreet before school starts. I kept saying to myself all summer that I would take a train up there, but I haven't yet, so I better. I love everything up there especially condom kingdom. =] haha

My hairs extremely pissing me off. I think I need to hylight it again because its like 5738491 different colors.

My dad laughed at me when I asked him to get me a nextel for my birthday. Well if he doesn't get me one, then fuck getting me anything.. cause thats ALL I WANT! If only I didn't run my last cell phone up to fucking 700 dollars!@#$^&*(

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Im not dat nigga tryin ta holla cuz I want sum head Im dat nigga tryin ta holla cuz I want sum bread [21 Aug 2003|04:54pm]
[ mood | good ]

Block 1: Learning Center [Maugeri]
Block 2: English 9 [Harper]
Block 3: Q1: Healthful Living [Woolery]
Block 3: Q2: Gym [Woolery]
Block 4: Intgr Math 2 [Psitos]

Block 1: Learning Center [Maugeri]
Block 2: English 9 [Harper]
Block 3: Science 9 [Wray]
Block 4: US History [J. Lynch]

Okay, I have to take 9th grade Science and English because I didn't take them last year, making me not being able to take electives, which sucks, but oh well. By Senior year I should have all my classes made up, and I can have a normal year. All I know is that I have gym/health with Nicole.]

Anyway.. enough with school bullshit. Yesterday I chilled at Nicole's all day. And around 5:15 I went over my dads, took a shower, and had dinner with him. After that I went back over to Nicole's and we got ready to go to the mall. Got there around 7:30 and met up with Kevin, Doc, and April and these other kids for a lil bit, then we went walking around 57837849 times. What fun. It got to around 9, and me and her were sick of the mall, so I called and my bro came and got us. Went to Nicole's for a couple minutes after the mall, went home. My brother was being the jerk off that he is and would only let me on the computer for a couple minutes, so I went to bed fairly early.. 12ish.

Woke up today at 10:30 and threw my hair up and my brother took me to the ortho. My appointment was at fucking 11, and they didn't even call me back there untill 11:40. Ugh I was so mad. Got done there around 12, came back here for a couple, talked to Stina, then went over her house till about 15 minutes ago. Shes still sick which sucks.

I don't think I'm gonna do anything tonight, but who knows, if something interesting is going on.. I'll prolly just go out and do it just because summers almost over.

Tomorrow I'm going to Brookhaven with Stina to get her haircut and her eyebrows waxed. Tomorrow night, going to the mall with TORI! and I think Nicole? And we're getting stoned. Yep.

Haven't cried in 2 days. I'm starting to feel proud of myself <3

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I fucking hate cable modems! [20 Aug 2003|11:38am]
[ mood | tired ]

Last night was pretty fun. I love Tori to death shes soo fun to hang out with <3. A bunch of black guys were hitting on us [gross], I gave one my number just so he would buy me a pack of cigs because I was all out. He wasn't that bad looking, I still wouldn't do anything with him though because I'm just not like that. There was no hot white people in site, which pissed me off because we wanted some ass, but ohh well. It was just a Tuesday night. At 9:30 we went over to the movies and sat outside with these 3 black kids and 2 white kids. They looked young as shit but they said they were 15/16. They were funny though, we hung out with them till my dad came and got us, then he dropped me and Tori off at my moms.. and we sat out back with my bro and his friends because they were drinking. Tori secretly had my brothers last beer. shh! haha. I didn't drink cause I had a bad headache for some reason. My bro's friend Blystone was soo trashed he kept telling Tori that taking shots are like running,you just push down the pain and keep going? Something like that. It was hilarious though. Around 11 my mom took Tori home and I came back here and passed out. I had 10 cigarettes before I went to bed and I woke up and I only had fucking 3 from my faggot brother. GRR! makes me soo mad.

I woke up and got ready for my ortho appointment at 11, went there, and turns out it isn't untill tomorrow, I got up all early for no fucking reason!

Tonight I'm going back to the mall, but this time with Nicole. Shes been real sick lately and I feel bad because she wants to get out of the house. So I'm gonna be a nice friend and go with her. =]

Friday I'm going to the mall yet again but with Tori again. We're gonna get really stoned and show up in sweat pants and baggy t-shirts. I'll take my camera with me prolly tonight and Friday and I'll get some pictures for yous!

Alright I'm gonna go. I'll prolly update later today or tonight when I get home if anything interesting happens which I doubt.


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Random shit.. [16 Aug 2003|11:52pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

I can't believe I have the phone sitting next to me thinking hes actually gonna call. Hes down his boat right now with John prolly having soo much fun. I hope hes having fun, he deserves it.

I got McDonalds around 10:45. That kinda cheered me up. I love McDonalds. =]

Sitting here smoking a cig and listening to my favorite songs. Keith Sweat-Twisted and 112-Cupid.

I need to change. I don't like myself atall right now. I don't like how I act or how I treat people. I say fuck in every sentence, I sound like sucha bitch, when deep down inside I'm really not like that. I use to be soo nice, so caring. And now I'm just like fuck you go fuck yourself fucker.

Another day tomorrow sitting in front of the computer and being bored. I think I'm gonna try and change my ways tomorrow. hmm.. lets see how that goes. It should be pretty fucking interesting. Here I go again with the fucking "f" word.

I miss him. :\

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Why do I hafta hurt this much ?! [16 Aug 2003|08:24pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I feel like pure shit. I've been crying all day, and I can't stop. I'm about to fucking take a gun and shoot myself in the head. I feel so empty. So lost. And I don't know what to do with myself. Theres no one to talk to, everythings piled up inside of me, and I want to get everything out, but I can't.

I think the rest of summer break, I'm just gonna stay home, in my room. I'm too depressed to do anything anymore. The other night was soo fun, no doubt, but I dunno. Alot of things have hit me in the last couple days and now I feel like crawling up in a ball and dying.

My dad took my brothers out tonight. And that made me feel worse. I wasn't invited. I want a relationship with my daddy more than anything, but it can't work if he doesn't try as well. Its like I don't exsist anymore to him. I've fucked up our relationship so bad. When he calls here he doesn't say hi or anything, just says can I talk to so and so. And it fucking hurts. I just don't know what to do anymore, I wanna give upand just say fuck it its not worth all the pain, but then again I need my daddy in my life more than anything. I feel like I don't give him enough credit sometimes. He works his ass off for our family, pays our bills here and everything, and doesn't even live here. He gives me money whenever I ask for it, and I just walk all over him. Maybe thats why he doesn't want a relationship with me. Because I'm a pure bitch to him. I'm fucking breaking down right now, crying so hard I can't even breathe.

And with Dan. I think I know why he doesn't wanna be with me. I felt like I treated him like shit, and in my head I tried to make him out to be the bad person, when all along I was the bad person. I was soo into myself and my problems, that when something was wrong with him all I would say was "man that sucks" or something like that, and it seriously sounded like I didn't care atall, when inside I cared more than anything. I was so anoying so stuck on myself, that I lost the best person I had in my life. I seriously have been thinking about him everyday, and all I do is cry. Because the person that brought a smile to my face everyday doesn't wanna be with me anymore. And I obviously had to of done something wrong to cause that. I wish I could start all over again with him, and tell him how much I need him, and how much I care about him, and how I want him in my life right now. I probably will never get to say this to him ever, but still I had to get it out. He seriously deserved someone way better than me. I'm just a fucking no good peice of trash waiting to get thrown out.

I wish I could tell him how much I love him. If I called him right now, he wouldn't answer, and if I left a message saying all this shit, he would probably be like oh well.

I'm gonna go continue crying my eyes out, and act like nothings fucking hurting me, when in reality.. everything is.

I fucking love him. <3 :\

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Quick Update..! [11 Aug 2003|05:47pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Going to Colie B's tonight to chill. People are suppose to be stopping by, so hopefully we'll have some fun. I'll prolly come home tonight, Dan's prolly gonna call late like he always does, and I wanna get his phone call, because since hes away we rarely talk. And I wanna talk to him, because I miss him and love him. =]

Can't wait till 7 o'clock. I gotta get 5 bucks off my daddy and get a pack of Newports. I haven't had a cigarette in two days, and the last cigarette I had was a Marlboro Light [yuck] and I gotta have my MENTHOL!

Expect an update later tonight <3 Holla !

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mmm.. yeah.. [06 Aug 2003|02:48pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

Yesterday Jamie came over around 11. And we sat around for a lil while, and then I desided to jump in the shower before we left for her house. We left here around 12:30, and of course ones when we leave.. it starts to rain. By the time we got to her house, we were soaked. We got there and ate and shit, and got online. Then I went upstairs and tried her hair straightener that doesn't burn hair, and it worked pretty damn good. But besides the fact it was $140 dollars. Now who the hell would spend that much on a straightener!? Crazy stuff. Around 5 I hadda leave because she had soccer, and of course no one was home to pick me up, so I had to walk home and two 7 year olds were hitting on me. heh it was quite amusing.. one of them said "I wouldn't mind hittin that from the back" I started cracking up because I didn't expect that a 7 year old would say that. Anyway, I got home and layed around and got online and that junk. Then I went to Jenna's. We mostly just chilled on the court because Bobby's still under house arrest. I bought vikes off of Chris, and I was gonna take 'em, but then I was like fuck it cause there was no point cause I was already tired. Around 10 Nikki and Tee walked me halfway home cause we weren't doin nothin. I got home and watched some tv with my bro, then I got online and talked to a few people. At around 12:30 my cable modem randomly like went out.. I think it was cause of the storms maybe? And I got pissed soo I went to bed.

I woke up today the same time I woke up yesterday.. ain't that freaky?! At 10:40.. it was weird. I layed around and watched a bunch of tv, then my bro finally let me on the computer and I got on this thing and talked to Tori to find out what was goin on today. We really didn't make a plan atall, and I found out a bunch of people from SHHS are goin to the mall tonight.. so I guess fuck that. I was suppose to call Tori like an hour ago and tell her what we were doin, but I decided not to call her till I found out actually what we were doin! So yeah. I talked to Dan's friend John today on the phone for like 45 minutes. Me and him HATED each other when me and Dan went out, but now we're cool. Hes suppose to call me back soon. lalalala

I think I'm gonna take my vikes tonight. Yeah.. me and Tori better do somethin tonight still! I miss that girl like crazzzyyy.


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"And we gon' get it on tonight.." [04 Aug 2003|10:24pm]
[ mood | good ]

Plans for tomorrow are that me, Christina, and Jenna are going to JamieLynn's during the day because I haven't seen her since the end of June.. and I miss her soo much<3 And then tomorrow night I'll probably do somethin with them.

Wednesday I'm spending the whole day/night with TORI! I fucking miss that hoe soo much! I haven't seen her since school, and everytime we go to hang out, we always have plans already, or she gets grounded for some gay reason. We're smokin and going to the mall, cause theres not much to do around here.

I'm in sucha good mood. I haven't been able to say that in awhile. But now that I have no guys in my life, it feels like a bunch of weights have been lifted off my shoulders and it feels great.

Oh wow.. My brother Brian's 16th birthdays Wednesday sOo happy early birthday to him<3

I guess I'll update tomorrow, or I might not.. just because I've been updating WAY TOO MUCH lately, and I think its about time I cut back.


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"And your kissin it.. So whatcha think of it?" [04 Aug 2003|04:25pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Colie B. just called me. Shes down the beach till next Tuesday. I miss her lots.. can't wait till she gets back home<3 I kinda wish I was still down there, I had more of a life down there.. then I do here. We always had something to do everyday. This gay fucking town theres NOTHING to do.

Schools in less than a month. I actually don't care that its coming. This summer was soo uneventful and I just had too much bullshit goin on. The only thing I'm not looking forward to.. is that I have gym all year. Then I have to take English and Science with the freshmen next year because I didn't take it last year. But whatever.

Its raining right now, its been off and on. I need to take a shower but can't because my brothers re-doing the bathroom and I hate the upstairs bathrooms shower, we don't get along. heh.

I can't wait for the birthday. Me and my bro were at Best Buy today gettin my uncle a gift certificate from there and I was looking at the cell phones. I've decided if my dad doesn't pay my cell phone bill.. that I'll just get a new one for my birthday. I'll be sad tho, because I had that cell phone number for 2 years.. its gonna be weird without it! haha I'm corny.

Sorry that I just keep talking on about random shit, but I'm dying of boredum. No one wants to do anything anymore. I need to get out of this place.

I keep thinking of my first love. For some reason I just can't get him off my mind. bahhh whatever.

..I need some friends.

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" Had you up early in the mornin moanin .. " [04 Aug 2003|12:54am]
[ mood | awake ]

Talked to Dan.. being an asshole. So fuck him. Now that I'm single and don't feel like worrying about anyone, I'm gonna go off and fuck around with as many guys as possible.. hah like thats gonna happen. But whatever.

My birthdays in less than a month.. also is school.

I'm finally getting outa the house tomorrow. Don't kno exactly what I'm doin yet, but it better be something.

Earlier today I was reading entries I made when I was with my first love. I sat here crying for like an hour because I was soo in love. And I still remember the feelings I got when I was with him. Its almost like I'm falling for him again, but I don't want to.. hes into a very strong relationship. And when we were together, he basically used me as a back up. He would break up with me for another girl, and then when they were thru.. he would come back to me.. and that repeated I think 3 or 4 times. But he was my first love. The love I'll remember for the rest of my life. One thing I regret.. not fucking him. Next time hes single.. I'm gettin some of dat.

Alright well I'm off to bed soon. Not now tho.. not tired atall cause I took a 4 hour nap today outa boredum. Nothing else to say.. I'm gonna go


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"All that shimmers in this world are sure to fade.. away" [03 Aug 2003|08:02pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

The last night we were at the beach me and Christina broke the screen on our window in our room. Well, we didn't break it.. we popped it outa the window so we could sneak out that night, but it was literally impossible to put back in. The next morning when we were gettin ready to leave, I told my dad about it.. and he jumped to the conclusion that I was "sneaking boys into my room". hah right. Since my dad still thinks I'm with Dan, I said.. "well why'd I be sneaking boys into my room when I have a fucking boyfriend." And he had the nerve to say "I know you." Do you really fucking know me dad? I never even had a real conversation with that man in my whole life.. I can't believe he actually had the fucking nerve to say that!

Sometimes I think he wishes I was a dyke. But me being a lesbian? HAH! I'm fucking addicted to the cock or the male species if you want me to talk less sexual.

I think its scaring my dad that I'm not a baby anymore. That I can do everything on my own now. I think he misses all the times we would hold hands when we walked down the street.. or when I always wanted to get on his shoulders. Now he almost feels like a complete stranger to me. Everything would be okay between me and him.. if he never stuck his dick up some sluts pussy. Sorry had to get that one out.

I'm bored. My dogs chewing on its paw. ..How amusing.

*Thinkin of HiM* <3

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Its just those shitty days.. [03 Aug 2003|01:35pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

No phone call. What a suprise.. heh.

I sense that today's just gonna be another bad day for mee. The only thing that'll make me feel better is if I talk to Dan, which I highly doubt that'll happen. But who knows..

I remember the last time he was here..the last time I saw him. It would be two weeks from tomorrow night. I remember him sitting in the computer chair, and me sitting on his lap in only awhite wife beater with my all pink pink panther underwear that said think pink on 'em.. they weren't granny panties tho.. the kind of underwear with the thong straps =] Anyway, we were sitting there both talking to people online, both of us both smoking a cig, and he got ashes on my thigh and I screamed and got teary eyed got it actually hurt! hah I'm sucha baby.. and then him giving me a kiss on my head.

I miss that. I miss our stupid arguments about nothing, and me calling him a dumb dick every 2 seconds.

Ohh what I'd do just to say he was *MiNe* again..

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